Chapter 5 : Too late for regrets

'Work? Why does my wife need to work? I will never let my wife work. As the head of the family, I will work hard until my back breaks to provide for my family.' Twenty-year-old Gershom said to eighteen-year-old Feggy. Sitting on top of a rock, late in the night, sharing an afghan blanket, the two stared at the starry night; sharing with it, their dreams, and hopes.

'Oh yeah?'

'Hmmm. My Queen will never have to work a day in her life. I will provide for you and our future kids. I will be the best husband in the world, one you can be proud of.'

In the present, as she stared at her haggard face in the mirror, Feggy scoffed at the fourteen-year-old memories. She could not help but chide at her eighteen-year-old self who had been hopelessly in love and believed every word that had come out of the mouth of her first love and crush.

His promises of forever and whispers of sweet nothings were sweet like honey, but as the saying goes, if you go searching for honey, expect to be stung by bees. Who would have thought the man who had done the impossible to date her would make a sudden one-eighty?

Feggy who had loved Gershom since she was seventeen had never thought a day would come when the man she had loved when he had nothing to his name but his high school certificate would change so much.

Since she was seventeen, she had loved him with all her heart. She had fantasized about being Mrs Feggy Chomba. Instead of dreaming of having a career for herself, Feggy's only goal in life was to be Gershom's wife.

While in school, she had not cared much about her grades because, for her, the only career she was aiming for was to be Gershom's wife. For three years, after she had completed her secondary education, she had anxiously waited for the day he would ask for her hand in marriage and when he had, she had been over the moon.

For ten years, she had lived a blissful life by his side. She had been proud to be a homemaker. For ten years, as she went to sleep next to him and woke up by his side, she never stopped to thank the heavens for bestowing her with such a blessing.

He had said that he would be the best father and husband she could be proud of, Feggy could not deny that he had been all that until Yolanda. What she thought only happened to other women who had men with a wandering eye, had happened to her.

With one prick, the bubble she had lived in popped. Little had she known, his promise of forever had an expiry date. It pained her to know, the man she had adored was no different from every other man out there.

When she had first found out about his affairs, she had gone through all sorts of emotions. At first, she had refused to believe what she was seeing with her own eyes.

She had blamed herself. She convinced herself he had strayed because she lacked as a wife.

Was the sex not good? Had she let go of her body to a point such that he felt repulsed by her? Had she not loved him enough? or maybe the house had lost its warmth and was not receptive enough for him? Maybe.

But as her world crumbled after the betrayal, she realized she was never at fault at all.

He cheated because he was selfish. He had cheated because he had not respected her enough. He had cheated for his ego.

Not a day, since they had tied the knot over the past ten years had she denied him his conjugal rights. Even if she was sick, unless she was on the verge of death, she fulfilled her wifely duties. Feggy had long realized even if she could bend her body like a contortionist, even if she was to perform all the positions in the Kamasutra, he would still go and look for something else outside.

Respect? How much respect was one supposed to bestow on their loved one? To Feggy, Gershom was her mini-god. Some might have even accused her of being a husband worshiper. If she was not a steadfast Christian, one could be excused if they thought her husband was her religion. She had always put him first before herself. She had tried her best to make their home as harmonious as she could.

She had taken his family as her own. She had always paid extra attention to her looks and could never be accused of being unkempt.

But even after all that, he had still gone out to disrespect her with a woman, eleven years younger than her.

Feggy had many regrets.

She wished she had loved herself more.

She wished she had taken school seriously and not merely as a place to learn how to read and write. She wished somebody had told her that marriages come and go; a husband will cheat on you, and throw you out as if you were garbage but your degree and knowledge never will. She wished she had been independent before she had taken her vows.

But most importantly, Feggy wished somebody had told her, she could have had the best of both worlds. She could be the Mrs Somebody she had desperately craved for and still have a career. If she had a career, then she would not have had to live like a beggar and her children would not have to live like destitute.

Maybe if she had had a career, the fury and resentment she felt towards her husband and his mistress would have been channelled into something positive. Not that it wouldn't hurt, she was sure the feeling of hopelessness after been betrayed by a loved one was the same whether you were a housewife or career woman, she just thought she would have had less time to do all the crazy stuff she had done to try to win Gershom back.

But alas, no matter how much she regretted her foolishness in the past, it was already too late.

'Mom?' Joseph's tiny voice called her from the doorway snapping her from her thoughts.

Feggy turned with a smile to look at the boy who had peeped his head around the door.

'Joe? Everything okay?'

'I knocked many times but you didn't answer.'

'I'm sorry baby.' She pulled him into a hug rubbing his back.

Even though she had many regrets when it came to Gershom, one thing she never regretted was bearing children for him. Her children were the source of her happiness. They were her world. A manifestation of the love she had once shared with Gershom.

'Did you want something?'

'You have visitors.'

Feggy's mouth curved into a smile and told the boy to let the visitors in, she had been expecting them. She hurriedly picked up the envelope on the bed and went out to meet her visitors.

Feggy's visitors turned out to be a couple who she had met on Facebook in a trading group.

The couple had come to buy some of the things that she had advertised in the group. Among these were some electronics and beddings. Gershom had bought most of the stuff on his many trips Dar-es-salaam. All of the items had never been used and were in good condition. The couple picked on the car seat, two duvets, and the 42' inch flat screen.

When her guests had left, she went over to the shop next door and paid off her debts from the 5k she had made. The shop owner, who also happened to be her friend, could not hide her surprise to see her paying off her debt all at once.

'Did my brother in law came back to his senses?'

Feggy chuckled bitterly. 'I wish. I took your advice and sold some of the unused items.'

Feggy was glad she could use her time on Facebook for something constructive other than stalking her husband and his mistress. When she got back home, she prepared lunch for the kids and while they were eating, she took a bath and got ready to visit the teacher Miss Mbewe had recommended at the government school.

****

'Mrs. Bunda is out of the station and will be back in the next two hours. You could wait for her or come back then.'

Feggy opted to wait. The sooner she could get the kids enrolled into school the better. A month and some days had already passed since they had stopped attending school at the private institution and since they had seen Gershom.

In all this while, she had been homeschooling the little ones. Miss Mbewe had been kind enough to lend her some materials and guide her on how to go about it.

The friendly lady who had just spoken to her directed her to the seats under the shed. Just as was about to unstrap Bertha from her back and sit, she heard a familiar voice call her name.

Feggy turned to face the owner of the voice and stared at her in surprise. "Sister in law? What are you doing here?'

'I work here.'

'Here? Since when?'

'I just got transferred here. This is my second week here.'

Feggy had heard about the transfer but with so much going on in her life, she had not paid much attention to the discussions in the family WhatsApp group.

'And you? What are you doing here?'

'Aaah, I came to see a friend,' she told her hesitantly.

'A friend huh?' Kangwa, Gershom's young sister crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at her. She didn't believe her because she already knew why she was there. She and Mrs Bunda happened to be college mates. Before she had left, she had asked her to take care of her visitor. When she had seen the senior teacher talking to her, then later found out she was here for her friend, she had derived a conclusion.

'I'm sorry," she mumble, averting her eyes.

'What has that idiot done this time?' she asked.

Feggy cast her a tight smile and looked away from her.

'What's this Feggy? So you would rather seek help from outsiders than come to your own family? Why? If my brother is behaving irrationally, does that mean we stop being family? Do we not matter anymore?'

'Sister in law, come on. It's not like that.'

'Really? Okay, humour me.' Kangwa got Bertha from her and joined her on the bench, waiting for her answer.

Feggy stared at her dust-covered feet, clad in the worn-out slippers.' I did not want to worry anyone. I keep thinking if I hold on a little longer if I pray a little harder if I fight little harder...maybe, just maybe he will come back to us.'

Maybe she should have left the first time that she had found out about the affair but she could not. Despite everything he had done to her and their children, she still loved him and she did not want to bring up her children in a broken environment. All she could do each night that went by and day that came was hope that God had finally heard her prayers and changed his heart. But for some reason, the harder she prayed, the more she wished and hoped, the further he seemed to pull away from them.

Feeling tears sting her eyes, she quickly blinked them away. This was the reason she never wanted to talk about him to his family. She would rather pretend to them that all was well than let them see her this vulnerable. They were his family and she was sure, even if they seemed to be on her side, a day would come when they would have to pick a side and stick with it and naturally, that side would be their brothers.

Feggy's tears pricked at Kangwa's heart. She clenched her hands by her side into a fist wishing her brother were right in front of her so she could smack some sense into him.

Yes, he was her brother and her loyalty and obligation lay with him but just because he was blood did not mean she would have to tolerate all his stupidity. The day he had said, I do to Feggy, the day he had brought her to the family and made her part of their family, she had become her sister too. But more than that, she was a woman and identified easily with her. She was quite aware of how she had suffered under her brother's care in the past year.

'Could you keep this between us? Could you not let mom and dad find out?'

Kangwa agreed hesitantly but told her she would only do it under one condition, which was for Feggy to tell her everything that had happened in the past four months that they had not spoken.

After Feggy had left, Kangwa made a call. The call was picked up by her eldest brother in Kitwe. He was just from doing his rounds in the children's ward when the call came through.

'Hey...'

' Henry, you better get to Lusaka ASAP and sort out your brother before I murder him.'

Henry, the eldest of the four siblings sighed.' What has he done now?'

Kangwa narrated to him what their sister in law had just told her. When she was done, Henry was fuming. He promised her he would make time to get to the capital city. When Kangwa had cut the call, Henry called his twin brother who was a manager at Dukes and Diamonds hotel in Ndola. The two agreed to travel to the city over the weekend. Meanwhile, when both brothers tried to call Gershom's line, their calls went unanswered.