Chapter 7 Cold Secrets

I try not to get lost in his voice, just like I always do. But I can't help myself. I close my eyes, taking deep breaths. At the back of my mind, I find Dina. Dina, who's genuinely good. Dina, the girl Dave loves. Not me. It was never me.

"Ari. Please say something." Dave's voice becomes loud enough to pull me back to reality, "You're going to Lucien's party this weekend, right? I know that with everything going on, you would want to be alone. But remember your promise."

I sigh. How can I forget? After finding out about the letters, the boys make me promise over and over again to not shut them out from now on and let them keep me safe. And that apparently includes 24/7 surveillance where I have to be with one of them at all times. The first step? I have to move in with Lucien and Seb. That's why I'm standing in the middle of my old room now, feeling like I've just stepped into a time machine. The room's changed ever since I used it years ago, of course, but somehow it still feels the same.

"Ari? Are you there?"

"Yeah," I answer, "I'll be there."

"Okay. Dina and I just have plans tonight but I'll call you before I go to bed, alright?" Dave says on the other side."

"You don't have to," I surprise myself by saying. It must have caught Dave off guard, too since he was silent, "You no longer have to check in on me every night, Dave. Seb---Seb can do that from now on. I mean, I'm going to see him every day, anyway."

"Ari--"

"Say hello to Dina for me. Tell her I'll see her soon." I interrupt him, ending the phone call without warning. I had to before I do something stupid. I battle with my will in everything that has to do with Dave.

Throwing my phone into my bed, I survey the mess around me and feel a wave of deja vu. It seems like a replay of my first day moving to my old dorm. I remember how it took me about a week to sort out the pile of books and clothes in my possession. I might as well take a shower before I start on it. I lift my shirt off overhead and was just about to throw it onto the bed when I hear my door open. I scramble to cover myself with my shirt, but it's too late. Seb's eyes widen, his knuckles white as they grip the doorknob.

"Oh my God! Seb, what the hell? Turn around!" I scream, my lungs hurting as all air escape from me. My heart pounds as if it was about to beat out of my chest.

Seb follows my command, turning on his heel to stare at the door, "You cursed," he says wonderingly, clearing his throat.

"What? You haven't heard me curse before?" I struggle to put back on the shirt I had just taken off.

"I did. But you do it very rarely, and usually not at me."

"Well, you should've knocked," I tell him.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just got used to--"

Seb doesn't need to finish his sentence. I know what he's going to say. Back when we were kids, we just barge into each other's rooms without warning. We even fell asleep beside each other a couple of times. Everything's different now, though. We're full-grown adults and we're no longer family. At least not legally, anyway. He also just proposed to me days ago. Our situation is beyond awkward now, probably more than my situation with Dave is. I press at the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache come in.

"Are you decent?" Seb asks.

"Yes."

He nods, turning around. I gulp at the heaviness behind his eyes. Something is bothering him and he doesn't feel the need to mask it. "Listen, A. Are you--"

"No." I blurt out.

"No?" Seb repeats, taken aback. "You're not going to Lucien's party? You do know the others will not allow you to lock yourself in a room while we're all out having fun, right?"

I blink, "Oh...you're...sorry, just---for a second, I thought you were going to propose to me again."

It was Seb's turn to blink. Then, he chuckles bitterly, "You're heartless, A. No, I wasn't. But since we're on the subject. The offer still stands, by the way, in case you change your mind."

"I'm going to the party, don't worry. I know you guys are not beyond dragging me there if I refuse." I say, deliberately ignoring what he just said.

There's a pause before Seb nods, saying, "We should tell Lucien, A. He might be able to help."

I look at him questioningly.

"The letters. About the person blackmailing you." Seb clarifies.

"What?! No!" I say forcefully, "We definitely should not. He'll only worry. Plus, Brad says--"

"You know Brad. He jumps to conclusions. We can't just---"

"No, Seb, please. Let's try to fix this ourselves first, okay? Before we go to Lucien." I beg.

Seb falls silent. Again. His eyes travel down from my feet to my head and I try to ignore the full-body blush that it gives me. I don't know what's happening to me. I didn't use to feel this way about him. I suspect it was because of that damned proposal. For the first time, I felt wanted, if not loved. Pathetic, I know.

"Okay, I won't tell him. On one condition." Seb finally says.

"Name it." I swallow.

"You play Cold Secrets with me."

***

Cold Secrets. The sadistic game that Seb invented when we were kids, in one of our almost daily trips to the 7/11 near our school. The rules are simple. We each drink a Slurpee and try to stop a brain freeze and whoever's unsuccessful at it tells the other person a secret. The first time, I played it, my migraine didn't stop for games and I vowed to never let him talk me into it again. Obviously, I have failed my past self.

Seb has a mischievous smile on his face as he passed me the Slurpee across the table.

"I know what you're up to," I tell him.

"Of course you do, I'm after your secrets. I mean, that's literally what the game's all about. You think I'm trying to hide it?" Seb says.

I narrow my eyes at him. "I told you guys I'm not keeping any secrets from you anymore."

Seb raises an eyebrow at me, "Then you have nothing to fear."

I glare at him before taking the cup in front of me. I take a big slurp and almost immediately I feel my nerves shiver. I try not to wince but failed.

"Yes!" Seb punched the air, "Alright, Ari. First question."

"What really happened in California? Why did you leave your Mom to come back here?" Seb asked without hesitation, all smile on his face gone. He looks just like the lawyer that he always wanted to be.

I pause, taking a deep breath before answering, "You stopped Lucien from interrogating me last time, don't be a hypocrite."

"Oh, but last time, the sacred drink that is the Slurpee wasn't between you and my dear father," Seb replies.

I scoff at him. "Oh, really? Well, sadly. I was telling the truth then so you'll get the same answer now."

"Did you know she was sick?" Seb was relentless, his words unmerciful, "You didn't seem that distraught when she died, so you must have already known. Or, did you hate her at the end, left, and didn't feel anything when she finally gave in to cancer. Is that what happened, Ari?"

I look at him, tears filling my eyes, "Why are you being vindictive? Where is this coming from?"

"Because you wouldn't tell me the truth otherwise," Seb says. Quickly, he takes a sip from his Slurpee, not even blinking at the cold rush it must've brought to his head. "Your turn."

My hands do not move as I stand my ground. "I don't want to play this game anymore. You're obviously mad at me about something. I want you to tell me what the hell it is, now."

"You really want to know?" Seb replies and silence stretched between us.

Then, I say, "I knew it. You pretended to be all cool and uncaring when we talked about this with the guys yesterday. But you were angry about me keeping the blackmailer's letters to myself," I tell him.

"Of course I'm angry!" Seb exclaimed, "I mean, he has your diary, Ari. For God's sake, why would you just sit on this? We could've been looking for him since the day the first letter arrived. He wouldn't have time to take in everything then, since most of what you write is in code. That would've bought us time before he basically spilled your feelings about Dave to the whole class."

My hand almost squishes the cup in front of me as I process his words"Code?" I repeat, "Seb, how do you know I write in code?"

.